How can parents respond without stigmatizing a child with a strong interest in feet, shoes or socks?

01 · Parenting

Introduction

By initially seeing the interest for what it almost always is in children: curiosity, play and sensory experience. Adult interpretations such as “fetish” do not apply to young children. Calmness, clear rules in dealing with others and a listening ear help your child more than worry or prohibitions. And if you are unsure, there are good places to turn to.

02 · Parenting

Children experience the world differently from adults

Children are curious about their bodies and about the things around them. Some love slipping into their parents’ much-too-large shoes. Others collect socks, like certain materials, smell things or play with shoes for hours. Feet and shoes are constantly present in a child’s everyday life—at eye level, so to speak.

Applying adult terms to such behaviour leads us astray. When a child finds shoes exciting, as a rule this has nothing to do with sexuality in the adult sense. Those who sexualize too hastily here project something onto the child that simply is not there.

03 · Parenting

What I know from my own story

I write about foot and shoe fetishism in adults, and many men with a fetish associate it, in retrospect, with early memories. My own earliest memories, which I interpret that way today, also had nothing to do with sexuality at the time. To this day, I do not know whether they had anything at all to do with my later fetish.

For parents, one thing above all is important here: it is not possible to tell from a small child’s behaviour how they will develop as an adult. Research cannot reliably trace the emergence of a sexual preference in an individual person back to one particular experience. So you do not need to prevent anything or steer anything “correctly”.

04 · Parenting

How you can respond calmly

A few principles help in everyday life:

• Do not shame them. Sentences such as “That’s disgusting” or “Stop it, we don’t do that” convey to the child that there is something wrong with them.
• Stay curious. Ask what your child likes about the shoes or socks. Often the answer is very simple: the colour, the sound, the feel.
• Do not dramatize. An interest that catches your attention does not have to be a problem. Many children’s preferences come and go.
• Offer alternatives. If the interest interferes with everyday life, gently redirect rather than forbid.

05 · Parenting

Clear rules in dealing with others

Calmness does not mean that there are no boundaries. Children learn early that other people’s bodies belong to those people. This applies to feet too. Anyone who wants to touch someone else’s feet or shoes asks first, and a no is accepted. The shoes of other children or adults are not simply taken. Such rules are not a punishment, but entirely normal education in respect, just as they are with other subjects.

06 · Parenting

When you should seek advice

Most children’s interests are harmless. But there are situations in which a conversation with a professional is worthwhile:

The first places to turn to are the child’s paediatrician, as well as parenting and family counselling services, which in Germany generally operate free of charge. When interests are very intense and coincide with other particularities, specialists in child development can also help.

• The interest is so strong that it noticeably limits the child in everyday life, in play or in contact with others.
• Your child seems stressed or anxious about it, or can hardly let it go.
• There are other unusual features in their development, for example in language, social contact or dealing with sensory stimuli.
• Your child repeatedly crosses other people’s boundaries even though you address it with them.

07 · Parenting

An important note on protecting your child

Pay attention to how adults around you and on the internet interact with your child. If an adult shows conspicuous interest in your child’s feet—for example, wants to take photographs of them or asks to do so, or encourages your child to keep secrets—take it seriously. Protect your child, speak to a counselling service or, if in doubt, to the police.

08 · Parenting

What remains

The most important thing you can give your child is the feeling that they may come to you with anything. Children who are not shamed are more likely, later on, to talk about what concerns them. That is precisely the best protection, today and in adolescence.