Is My Partner Interested in Me—or Mainly in Shoes or Boots?

01 · Relationships and sexuality

Introduction

In my experience, almost always in you, and specifically in connection with the shoes. For many men with a shoe fetish, a shoe or boot only really works when a particular woman is wearing it. The feeling of being overshadowed by an object is nevertheless understandable. There are ways to find out what it is like for the two of you, and ways to deal with it well. I am writing this text as a man with a shoe fetish, but for you as his female partner.

02 · Relationships and sexuality

Why it can feel this way

If your partner keeps focusing on your shoes or boots during sex, if he is especially pleased whenever you wear a particular pair, an uncomfortable thought can arise: Would it actually be enough for him if only the shoes were there? Many female partners know this concern. It deserves an honest answer.

03 · Relationships and sexuality

A shoe in a shop window, a shoe on you

I can tell you something from my own experience that may help. Among my favourite shoes are nude patent-leather Louboutins with high heels. When I see a sales photo of these shoes, it does not arouse me in the slightest. It is a beautiful object, nothing more. But if I see the same shoes on a woman sitting casually and confidently on a sofa, a fantasy immediately springs to life.

I experienced this even more clearly once during a video shoot. A woman was wearing riding boots that did not really match my fetish at all. But she carried herself so confidently that those exact boots suddenly aroused me strongly. It was not the boot that made the difference, but the woman wearing it and her attitude.

04 · Relationships and sexuality

The shoe is a trigger; you are the story

In my book, I describe how a fetish works. The shoe is only the trigger. The actual arousal arises in the little story that unfolds around it in the mind. And in that story, ideally, the woman he loves plays the leading role. The way you walk, sit, and look at him—all of that is part of it. Without you, the shoe would be only a shoe.

There are men for whom the object alone already has a strong effect. But even for them, the relationship with their female partner is not the same as a relationship with a pair of shoes. Love and affection follow different rules from arousal.

05 · Relationships and sexuality

How you can tell that he means you

A few observations can give you clues:

If, on the other hand, almost only the shoes matter, if he compares you with others or ignores your discomfort, that is a reason to address it clearly.

• He is interested in you even in moments when shoes play no role at all.
• He talks about the fetish in connection with you, not with women in general.
• He pays attention to whether you feel comfortable and accepts a no.
• He does not compare you with other women or celebrities.
• Tenderness, conversations, and time together have a place of their own in your relationship.

06 · Relationships and sexuality

Ask him

You will get the most honest answer from him himself. You can ask him directly: “Does the shoe turn you on, or do I?” This question is a classic among couples dealing with a shoe fetish, and it is entirely justified. You can also suggest deliberately spending nights without any shoes at all and observe how he responds. Many men with a shoe fetish can certainly be aroused without it as well. In studies by Giselle Rees and Justin Garcia, at any rate, the majority of respondents with an object fetish stated exactly that, even though these studies are not representative.

07 · Relationships and sexuality

When it really is mainly about the shoes

It is also possible that your partner answers honestly that the shoes play a very large role for him. That is painful to hear, but it is important information. It says something about how his arousal works, not about what you are worth. Then it is worth having a detailed conversation about how both of you can have your needs met, if necessary with the support of couples or sex counselling.

08 · Relationships and sexuality

You are allowed to say what you need

If you feel pushed aside by an object, tell him. Sentences such as “I want to feel that you mean me, not just my boots” give him the chance to reassure you and perhaps change something too. I call this the 50/50 rule: Your wishes and needs also need room in your sexuality together.