Who can I confide in about a foot or shoe fetish?

01 · Fetish & relationships

Introduction

The best people are those you can be sure will listen without judging and can keep a confidence. That may be your female partner, a good friend, a professional, or an anonymous person. You do not have to confide in everyone. Just one person who knows can already make a big difference.

02 · Fetish & relationships

Why it is worth not being alone

Many men with a foot or shoe fetish carry their secret around with them for years. In my book, I describe where the burden often comes from: not from the fetish itself, but from the feeling of being alone with it. Those who confide in someone often notice how much pressure suddenly falls away.

At the same time, concern for your own privacy is justified. Not everyone handles such information carefully. That is why it is worth thinking carefully about whom you open up to.

03 · Fetish & relationships

How to recognise a good confidant

These questions will help you assess someone:

• Can the person keep a confidence? Have they kept to themselves things you confided in them in the past?
• Are they quick to judge? How do they react when others speak about unusual topics?
• Are they close to you, but not too close to your everyday life? Colleagues, supervisors, or people from circles where everything gets around quickly are often not a good choice.
• Will they be able to use the subject against you? Caution is advisable in some relationships, for example when there are conflicts in the family.

04 · Fetish & relationships

An overview of the options

Depending on how much protection you need, different people to talk to may be suitable:

• Anonymous options. The telephone counselling service is available free of charge and anonymously around the clock, at 0800 111 0 111 or 0800 111 0 222. You can also exchange views in online forums under a pseudonym.
• Professionals. Psychotherapists, sex therapists, doctors, and counselling centres are generally bound by confidentiality. Here you can speak openly without anything reaching the people around you.
• Your female partner. For many, she is the most important person to confide in. Since I was 23, I have told every female partner about my fetish right at the beginning, and none has rejected me because of it.
• A close male or female friend. Someone who has known and valued you for a long time can be a great support.
• Family. This is the most difficult circle for many, because relationships are close and often complicated. Extra caution is worthwhile here.

05 · Fetish & relationships

Approach it carefully

You do not have to launch straight into it. Sometimes it helps to raise the topic generally at first, for instance through an article, a programme, or a comment about a completely different fetish. From their reaction, you can often already tell how open the other person is.

When you do open up, explicitly ask them to keep it confidential. Sentences such as “I am telling you something very personal and I want it to stay between us” make clear what it is about.

06 · Fetish & relationships

What you choose to tell is up to you

Confiding in someone does not mean telling them everything. Think beforehand about what you want to share and why. It is often enough to say that this part of you exists and that it occupies your mind. Details of your fantasies belong in the conversation only if you want them there.

And if a reaction proves disappointing: that says more about the other person's ideas than about you. Therefore, do not give up; choose someone else next time.

07 · Fetish & relationships

Be careful online

Online forums and communities can be a great relief. For many, it has been an enormous experience to realise that they are not alone with their preference. But take care of your privacy there. Use a pseudonym, do not disclose details by which you could be identified, and do not share any photos of yourself that identify you. Once something is online, it can hardly be retrieved.

08 · Fetish & relationships

My experience with openness

I have never really hidden my shoe fetish. As a photographer, I published high-heel series for years, magazines wrote about me, and I appeared on talk shows. Yet this public openness is not the right path for everyone, nor does it have to be. There is a broad space between complete secrecy and complete public exposure. Somewhere within it, you will find your own circle of people with whom you can be who you are.