How do I deal with shame when I have kept my preference for feet or shoes secret for a long time?

01 · Sexuality

Introduction

By not breaking the silence all at once, but in small steps that you control yourself. After years of secrecy, saying it aloud for the first time is often the hardest moment. You do not have to overwhelm yourself in the process. There is a path that leads from writing it down, through an anonymous conversation, to confiding in another person, and you set the pace.

02 · Sexuality

Why prolonged silence weighs so heavily

Many men with a foot or shoe fetish conceal their desire for years. They learned early on to filter this part of their sexuality and to show only what seems innocuous to them. With every year, the silence becomes more taken for granted and speaking about it becomes harder.

In addition, shame often grows in secrecy. What is never said becomes increasingly significant in one's mind. Some therefore have a surprising experience when speaking about it for the first time: the words sound far less bad than they have felt for years.

03 · Sexuality

A path in stages

You do not have to tell your female partner or your family everything straight away. More helpful is a path in stages, in which each step means a little more openness:

You do not have to take every stage, and you do not have to take them in this order. The only important thing is that you do not have to start with the hardest one.

• Write it down. Write down, just for yourself, what you have not told anyone so far. No one has to read it. Simply putting it into words creates distance.
• Say it aloud. Say the sentence out loud once when you are alone. It may sound banal, but many people only notice then how much pressure it contains.
• Speak anonymously. In a forum under a pseudonym or by telephone with TelefonSeelsorge, which can be reached around the clock at 0800 111 0 111 or 0800 111 0 222.
• Speak with a professional. A counselling centre or therapy is a protected setting in which you can speak without fear of consequences.
• Tell someone you trust. A female partner, a good male friend, or a female friend whom you know can keep silent.

04 · Sexuality

Preparing for the first conversation

If you would like to confide in someone, a little preparation helps. Think beforehand about what you want to share and why. Being honest does not mean telling everything. A single sentence is often enough, for example: “I would like to tell you something that I have kept to myself for a long time. It is not easy for me.” Afterwards, you may continue speaking slowly or take a break first.

Choose a quiet moment without time pressure and a place where you will be undisturbed. And explicitly ask that the conversation remain between the two of you.

05 · Sexuality

Expecting your own feelings

Many things can happen at once after speaking about it for the first time. Many people feel great relief. But some also feel vulnerable afterwards or briefly regret the step. That is a normal reaction to something that you have protected for a long time. Plan something nice for afterwards: a walk, a meeting, a quiet evening.

And do not overinterpret the first reaction of the other person. People often need time to make sense of new information. An initial uncertainty is not yet rejection.

06 · Sexuality

What I have learned

I have experienced myself how relieving openness can be when it meets acceptance. When I met the woman who was then my wife in 1988, I told her about my fetish very early on. She reacted calmly, and I no longer had to hide anything. This experience has shaped me.

Not everyone is so lucky at the outset. In my experience, however, the burden usually becomes lighter once the silence has been broken. Shame does not disappear overnight. But it loses its power as soon as it can no longer grow in secrecy.

07 · Sexuality

When the shame is too great

If the very thought of a conversation sends you into a panic, or if shame strongly determines your life, psychotherapy is a good place to start. There you can learn, at your own pace, to speak about yourself and let the shame become smaller bit by bit.