How and when should I bring up a foot fetish in a relationship?

01 · Relationship & Communication

Introduction

Whether you tell her is up to you. If you do, the perfect moment matters less than the way you talk about it. I have experienced both in my life: a conversation that went badly wrong, and one that shaped my relationship for years.

02 · Relationship & Communication

When I simply said it

In 1988, I met Iris, who would become my wife. I told her about my fetish very early on and was myself surprised by how calmly she reacted. For her, it was neither a problem nor a cause for concern. At some point, we started taking photos of her in high-heeled shoes, and shoes became a natural part of our lives, including in bed. Precisely because we never made a big deal out of it, it became normal for us.

I know it does not always go that way. My very first attempt a few years earlier had failed because of a single irritated remark, and many men hide their desire for years because they fear exactly that kind of reaction. Even so, my time with Iris shaped me. Back then, I learned how much of a relief openness can be when it meets acceptance.

03 · Relationship & Communication

Before the conversation: What do you actually want to share?

Being honest does not mean telling her everything. Not every fantasy that arouses you is important to your relationship. Before you initiate the conversation, it is therefore worth asking yourself one question: What of it do I want to share with her, and why?

Those who have clarified this for themselves can explain much more calmly what it is about. Is it about a particular pair of shoes during sex? A touch, a mood, some role play? The clearer you are about it yourself, the less vague and threatening the subject will seem to your partner.

04 · Relationship & Communication

The right moment

There is no perfect moment, but there are certainly unsuitable ones. In the middle of an argument, under time pressure or in the middle of a sexual situation, pressure is almost inevitable. That is precisely what this conversation does not need. A calm setting in which no one has to decide anything straight away is better. First and foremost, it is about being understood. You can still work out later whether and how to try any of it.

It becomes more difficult if you have already been together for many years. Then the question quickly arises as to why you are only telling her now. In such cases, it often helps not to frame the conversation as a confession. Instead, describe how your sexuality has developed or changed over time. That turns a confession into an opportunity to take stock together.

05 · Relationship & Communication

Why it has to be about her

In my experience, many women initially experience a fetish as competition. They wonder whether they are still desired as a person or merely as the bearer of a stimulus. You should take this concern seriously. Behind it lies the wish to be desired as a whole person.

That is why the way you describe the fetish is so important. It is not shoes in themselves that arouse you, but her shoes when she is wearing them. Not just any feet, but hers. A fetish almost always works through a fantasy, and in that fantasy, ideally, the partner plays the leading role. When she understands that, her entire view of the subject often changes.

06 · Relationship & Communication

What the research observes

In her doctoral thesis at Macquarie University in Sydney, researcher Giselle Rees also asked people with fetish interests how they deal with them in their relationships. Some disclosed their fetish openly, others showed it only indirectly, while still others hid it completely. Both positive and negative consequences for the relationship were reported. No single best way can be inferred from this. But it shows that a great many people face the same decision as you.

In the same line of research, fetish-related experiences shared with a partner were rated more positively, on average, than those experienced alone. However, the respondents had volunteered for the studies themselves. This cannot be applied to every relationship.

07 · Relationship & Communication

A no is also an answer

Openness is an invitation, not an obligation. Your partner is free to listen, ask questions and still decide that she does not want to share certain things with you. That hurts, but it does not prove that there is anything wrong with you. Give her time. New information needs time to find its place, and initial uncertainty is not yet rejection.

And if, in the end, you decide to remain silent, that is your decision too. My experience, however, is that relationships rarely fail because of openness. More often, they fail because two people do not learn how to deal with their differences.