Can a foot or shoe fetish fit with asexuality in a relationship?

01 · Relationships and sexuality

Introduction

Yes, that can work, but only if both people speak honestly about their needs and boundaries and neither puts the other under pressure. When a person with a pronounced fetish and an asexual person are together, two very different ways of experiencing sexuality meet. That is a challenge. But it is not a reason to deny the relationship a chance from the outset.

02 · Relationships and sexuality

What asexuality means

Asexual people feel little or no sexual attraction to others. That does not necessarily mean that they do not want closeness, tenderness or love. Asexuality is a spectrum. Some people have no interest in sex at all, others do under certain circumstances; some find sex unpleasant, while others feel neutral about it. There are even asexual people who enjoy certain stimuli or rituals without feeling sexual attraction to a person.

I want to be honest: I have no personal experience of asexuality myself. But what I know from many years with my fetish is how differently people experience sexuality and how important it is to take those differences seriously.

03 · Relationships and sexuality

Two very different libidos

In my book, I describe every relationship as the meeting of two libidos, meaning two inner collections of what arouses a person. For a person with a foot or shoe fetish, this collection is often filled with very specific things. For an asexual person, by contrast, sexual attraction hardly plays a role.

I consider the expectation that two people who love each other must also be sexually compatible to be a misconception. Love, affection and closeness follow rules other than arousal. A relationship can be very deep even when the sexual worlds are far apart.

04 · Relationships and sexuality

What you should talk about

An open conversation is even more important here than in other relationships. These questions can help you:

• What does sexuality mean to each of us? How important is it, and in what form?
• What forms of closeness feel good for the asexual partner? Hugs, cuddling, holding hands, shared rituals?
• Where are the clear boundaries? What does the asexual partner not want under any circumstances?
• How does the partner with the fetish live out their needs? Alone, in fantasy, in another way?

05 · Relationships and sexuality

What the partner with the fetish should clarify for themselves

Before you look for solutions together, if you have the fetish it is worth asking yourself an honest question: Can I imagine a life in which my fetish is not shared, or is shared only rarely? Keeping a fetish in the background and living it privately is a legitimate path. But it has to feel right to you and must not be merely a concession that later turns into frustration.

06 · Relationships and sexuality

What may be possible

Couples in this constellation find very different paths. Some people with a fetish live it entirely on their own, in their imagination or through masturbation. Some asexual people enjoy touches or rituals that are not sexual for them, such as a foot massage or wearing certain shoes that they themselves like. Only the asexual partner can decide whether that fits for you. None of this may become an expectation.

Some couples also consider whether sexuality outside the relationship can have a place. That is a big step that works only if both genuinely agree and neither gives in so as not to lose the other.

07 · Relationships and sexuality

What does not work

Pressure. If the partner with the fetish keeps asking, pushes for compromises or makes their disappointment noticeable, the asexual partner will increasingly feel uncomfortable. But the reverse is also true: a person with a fetish may name their needs without being shamed for them. Both sides deserve respect.

08 · Relationships and sexuality

When there is no common middle ground

Sometimes it becomes clear that the needs are too far apart. Then it is more honest to acknowledge this difference without blaming either person, rather than bending yourselves out of shape for years. Couples counselling, ideally with someone familiar with both fetishes and asexuality, can help you gain clarity together.

09 · Relationships and sexuality

What remains

A fetish and asexuality do not exclude each other in a relationship. But they require a particularly great deal of openness, patience and mutual respect. Where both people are honest and do not have to bend themselves out of shape, a relationship can emerge that is more sustaining than sexual compatibility.