How do we handle a shoe or boot fetish when a partner does not want to take part?

01 · Relationships & Sexuality

Introduction

Her no stands, and yet you do not have to deny your fetish. Between “She takes part” and “I have to give it up,” there are more possibilities than many couples see at first. The most important step is not to understand her no as a judgment of you, and not to treat it as one either.

02 · Relationships & Sexuality

Accepting is not the same as taking part

A female partner can understand and respect your shoe or boot fetish without wanting to take part in it herself. In my book, I describe this as a distinct form of integration. The fetish then has a place in your relationship without actively being part of your shared sex life.

That is more than it may seem at first glance. It means that she knows you, that you do not have to hide, and that you can speak openly with each other. For many men with a fetish, that alone would already be a big step.

03 · Relationships & Sexuality

What you do with your disappointment

Of course, you are allowed to be disappointed. A wish that is not fulfilled hurts, especially when it matters so much to you. What matters is how you deal with this disappointment. It must not become a punishment for your partner, for example by withdrawing, sulking, or repeatedly asking again. Anyone who keeps pressing after a no turns an invitation into a demand, and that damages the trust between you.

I had to learn that myself. For years, I expected my wife to delve ever more deeply into a BDSM world that she did not want at all. Only when I stopped demanding from her a role that was not hers did something between us begin to change for the better.

04 · Relationships & Sexuality

Your fetish may remain yours

If she does not want to take part, that does not mean your fetish has to disappear. You can live it out on your own, in your fantasy or during masturbation. Some couples consciously keep a fetish in the background, and that is a legitimate path as long as it is based on mutual respect.

A few clear rules apply here. Her shoes and boots belong to her. Do not use them without her knowledge and consent. And when it comes to online content, talk about what is acceptable to both of you before privacy turns into secrecy.

05 · Relationships & Sexuality

What she might still like

A no to taking part is not necessarily a no to everything. Perhaps she already likes wearing boots because she likes them. Then you may enjoy the sight of them without turning it into a demand. Perhaps she is open to a small gesture for a special occasion, but not to more. Ask her what is all right for her, and accept what she says. Sometimes precisely this composure opens new doors later, sometimes it does not. Both are all right.

06 · Relationships & Sexuality

The 50/50 rule is not a barter transaction

I often speak of the 50/50 rule: in a relationship, both people’s wishes and fantasies should have room. But that does not mean that concessions can be set off against each other according to the motto, “If I fulfil your fantasy, you have to fulfil mine.” That would be pressure in friendly packaging. The rule means that you both pay attention to each other; it does not mean that everyone has to take part in everything.

07 · Relationships & Sexuality

What the research says

In studies by Giselle Rees and Justin Garcia, the majority of people with an object fetish reported being sexually aroused and active even without their fetish object. The respondents also reported both moments they experienced alone and ones they experienced with a female or male partner. The participants had volunteered themselves, so it cannot be generalized. It does show, however, that a fulfilling sexuality does not have to depend on the fetish always being lived out together.

08 · Relationships & Sexuality

When it makes you unhappy in the long run

Sometimes, over time, you realize that a jointly lived fetish is something you miss very much after all. Then it is important to address it honestly instead of letting it grow inside you. Couples therapy or sex therapy can help clarify together how both of you can get your due. And sometimes it becomes clear that there is no common middle ground. Recognizing that too, without assigning blame to anyone, is a sign of respect.