Does a foot fetish automatically make someone dominant or submissive, or does it say something about role preferences?

01 · Fetish and roles

Introduction

No, a foot fetish does not lock you into any role. Many foot and shoe fetishes are connected to the play of dominance and submission, but not all of them are. And anyone who knows their role today may be surprised tomorrow. Mine changed fundamentally once more after decades.

02 · Fetish and roles

Dominance is a relationship, not a trait

In my book, I devote a chapter of its own to the interplay of feet, shoes and dominance. The most important insight from it is this: dominance is not a fixed personality trait; it arises between people, in the moment, in behaviour, in the way one presents oneself. Who is standing, who is sitting, who moves closer, who keeps their distance. Such dynamics exist everywhere, including beyond sexuality.

That is why the question “Am I dominant or submissive?” is often too broad. A more apt question is: Which dynamic appeals to me, with whom and in what situation?

03 · Fetish and roles

Why feet are so strongly associated with power

There is a simple reason why feet and shoes are so often linked to roles. Feet are at the lower end of the body. Anyone who places themselves at another person's feet changes their position, spatially and emotionally. Anyone who stands above someone else takes up presence. Shoes reinforce this effect. A high heel elevates; a boot appears imposing.

For many people with a foot or shoe fetish, the appeal is not necessarily in the idea of control, but in experiencing a particular order. Whoever is below is allowed to look. Whoever is above has an effect. This order can be subtle or very pronounced. Accordingly, the range of forms is broad, from tender foot worship to games in which someone quite deliberately takes the lower position.

Dominance need not be the starting point. It can develop and at some point gain an independent arousing power, sometimes even a stronger one than the shoe or the foot itself.

04 · Fetish and roles

Not every foot fetish has to do with power

There are people who cannot relate to dominance and submission at all, and whose fetish is focused purely on the foot or the shoe. For them, it is about shape, aesthetics, touch or tenderness, for example during an extensive foot massage. In my experience, the group for whom power plays a role is larger. But it is not the only one.

Another distinction that is often blurred is important: sadomasochism and fetishism are not the same thing. They can occur together, but they do not have to.

05 · Fetish and roles

My own story

For decades, I lived out my shoe fetish from a rather submissive role. I saw my wife as a dominant “queen”, and that was precisely the role she did not want to take on permanently. During a difficult period, an experienced psychologist advised me to try out my own dominant side, which I had suppressed for a long time.

I was sceptical, but I did it. It aroused me, my wife liked it, and shortly afterwards I discovered cowboy boots for myself, this time on my own feet. The fetish remained; my role within it changed. If my role had been fixed by the fetish, this development could not have happened.

06 · Fetish and roles

Roles in play are not roles in life

Some men fear that a submissive side makes them weak, and some women fear that a dominant role makes them hard. Neither is true. In everyday life, my wife is a strong, self-confident woman, and nevertheless she did not want to take the lead sexually on a permanent basis. What happens in erotic play is not a judgement about character, strength or masculinity.

07 · Fetish and roles

What applies in every role

In my book, I describe dominance in connection with foot and shoe fetishism as a space of resonance in which perception, role and consent come together. It works only when it is voluntary. Anything else has nothing to do with a fetish.

If you do not yet know where you stand, you do not have to work it out in your head alone. Talk to your partner about it, carefully try out what feels good, and switch roles sometimes, too. Some people realise in the process that they like both sides.

So the question is not which role your fetish assigns you. Rather, it is which role you want to play at this moment, with this person. And the answer may change.