What to do when a foot fetish seems to dominate shared intimacy or the relationship?

01 · Relationships & Sexuality

Introduction

Then it is time to redistribute the balance before one of you checks out emotionally. I know this situation from personal experience. At one point, my fetish had taken up so much space in our relationship that both my wife and I were dissatisfied. We found a way out, and I would like to share some of the things that helped us here.

02 · Relationships & Sexuality

How to recognize it

A fetish that takes up too much space rarely shows itself as an open conflict. Much more often, it is subtle signals. Sex always follows the same script. Your partner feels more like a supporting player in your fantasy than the woman you desire. She withdraws, has less desire, or seems emotionally distant.

When someone feels they have to function in order for the relationship to last, their inner resistance often manifests itself in precisely this way. And sometimes you notice it in yourself too: if you barely feel desire without your fetish or everything else in the relationship seems secondary, it is worth taking an honest look.

03 · Relationships & Sexuality

How it was for us

For many years, I saw my wife as a “queen,” as a dominant, leading figure in my fantasy. At the time, my fetish had inscribed itself not only in our sex life, but also in our joint work with photos and videos. My head was so full of images that I often was no longer mentally with her during sex.

At the time, an experienced psychologist gave me advice that initially unsettled me. I was to relieve my wife of the burden of always having to take the leading role. When I did, something changed between us. Our sex life gained a vibrancy that we had not felt in a long time.

04 · Relationships & Sexuality

She has to play the leading role

When a fetish takes on a life of its own, the partner quickly becomes a supporting character. At some point, the classic question arises: “Is it really only the shoe that turns you on now, and not me anymore?” This question is legitimate and deserves an honest answer.

It is helpful to consciously relate the fetish to her again. It is her feet, her shoes, her way of wearing them that arouses you. In my book, I also describe a mechanism that produces a great deal of pressure: if the fetish is declared the core of one’s identity, one no longer experiences one’s partner as an equal other, but as an authority who decides whether one is accepted or rejected. If it remains a part of sexuality, a relationship on equal terms is possible.

05 · Relationships & Sexuality

The 50/50 rule

In most relationships, a foot or shoe fetish remains the preference of one of the two. It is rare for two people with precisely the same fetish to find each other. Nor does that have to be the case. A good relationship is not about both people wanting the same thing, but about complementing each other.

From this I derived a simple rule, which I call the 50/50 rule. If you want your partner to respond to your fetish, you must respond in the same way to her wishes and fantasies. Whether you combine this in one evening or take turns—for example, her fantasies for one week and yours the next—is up to you. What matters is simply that both are given the same amount of space.

06 · Relationships & Sexuality

Sex is not the whole relationship

As important as sexuality is, it is only one part of a relationship. Love, shared interests, shared goals, and everyday life are at least as decisive in determining whether a partnership is happy. If it feels as though everything revolves around the fetish, it often helps to deliberately spend time together in which sex is not a topic at all. An evening, an outing, a conversation without ulterior motives.

07 · Relationships & Sexuality

The fetish does not always have to be involved

Research offers an encouraging indication. In studies by Giselle Rees and Justin Garcia, the majority of respondents with an object fetish said they were sexually aroused and active even without their fetish object. The participants had volunteered themselves, so this cannot be generalized.

When a fetish has been the most important route to arousal for years, sex without it may initially feel empty. That does not mean the body cannot react differently. New associations simply need time and patience, without pressure.

08 · Relationships & Sexuality

When you cannot move forward on your own

Sometimes couples get so stuck that they cannot find a way out on their own. In that case, couples or sex therapy can help, ideally with someone who is familiar with fetishes and does not judge. At the time, an outside perspective helped me a great deal.