How do I discuss a foot or shoe fetish when we have different ideas about online privacy?

01 · Relationships & Privacy

Introduction

By clarifying what each of you may keep private and what concerns both of you, and by reaching a joint agreement about it. Different ideas about privacy are normal. With a fetish, they become especially sensitive because they involve intimate content and because the internet never forgets. With a few clear questions, it is usually possible to find an approach you can both live with.

02 · Relationships & Privacy

Two types of differences

Different ideas about online privacy among couples with a fetish usually appear in two areas.

The first concerns what each person does on their own. Can he follow profiles, view content, or exchange views in forums without her knowing? Or does she want insight?

The second concerns what you show together. Some couples enjoy capturing their fetish in photographs or videos, and sometimes one of them wants to share this content while the other prefers to keep it strictly private. Here it is no longer only about trust, but also about visibility and the question of who decides about images in which both can be seen.

03 · Relationships & Privacy

What may remain private

Not every fantasy and not every click needs to be shared. Privacy is part of every healthy relationship, with or without a fetish. The precise boundary is set by your agreements, not by a general rule. For one couple, it is self-evident that each person views content on their own. For another, that very thing is a breach of trust.

04 · Relationships & Privacy

What you should agree on together

Some points almost always concern both of you and should therefore be clarified together:

• Photos and videos in which one of you can be seen. They are only made, saved, or shared with the explicit consent of both.
• Publications on the internet. You decide together whether, where, and how you show content. A no from either of you stands.
• Identifiability. If you share something: are faces, tattoos, homes, or other identifying features visible?
• Contact with other people. Chats, requests, or paid content involving real people are different in nature from anonymous images.
• Money. Subscriptions or purchases that affect the shared budget should not be kept secret.

05 · Relationships & Privacy

What I have experienced myself

My wife and I produced photos and videos of our fetish together for years, and our clips were very successful on a major platform. We ourselves had no problem with that. But when we had children, a new question arose: What would it be like for them later on if they were confronted with it at some point?

We took this question very seriously and decided not to publish any more joint clips on this platform. That was not a retreat motivated by shame, but an expression of responsibility. I mention it because it shows that ideas about privacy can change over the course of life. What works today may no longer work in a few years.

06 · Relationships & Privacy

The internet never forgets

When sharing intimate content, it is worth taking a sober look. Once something is online, it can hardly be fully retrieved. Images are saved, forwarded, and re-uploaded. Even in seemingly private groups or chats, you can never be certain who is reading along. Therefore: when in doubt, share less. The more cautious view of privacy should take precedence for shared content.

07 · Relationships & Privacy

How to start the conversation

A few questions help to make your ideas clear:

Both must be able to answer honestly without it immediately becoming a reproach. And you should review your agreement from time to time.

• What is strictly private for you, and what concerns both of us?
• What content would be all right for you, and what would not?
• How would you feel if images of us were still appearing online in five or ten years?
• How do we deal with it if one of us changes their mind?

08 · Relationships & Privacy

When you cannot reach an agreement

Sometimes the ideas are far apart. Couple counselling can then help to understand what lies behind the differing needs. It is often about security, trust, or recognition. Those who recognise this can find a solution more easily.