Do I have to keep my partner’s foot fetish secret from friends or family?

01 · Relationships & Sexuality

Introduction

Generally speaking, your partner’s sexuality is private information, and it is up to him to decide whom he tells about it. But that does not mean you have to be alone with your thoughts and feelings. You have a right to support. There are ways to get it without exposing him.

02 · Relationships & Sexuality

Whose information is it?

Sexual preferences are among the most personal things a person has. If your partner has told you about his foot fetish, he has entrusted you with something he may not have shown anyone for years. Many men with a fetish are very afraid that others will find out and mock or judge them.

Therefore, it is fair to protect this information. Incidentally, this applies to every form of intimacy. You probably would not want him to tell your circle of friends what turns you on in bed, either.

03 · Relationships & Sexuality

Privacy is not the same as secrecy

There is, however, a difference between discretion and a secret that weighs on you. Discretion means that not everyone among your friends and family needs to know what goes on in your bedroom. In most relationships, this is a given, with or without a fetish. If questions do come up among friends, you are allowed to remain polite and brief. A sentence such as “That is our private matter” is entirely sufficient and needs no further explanation.

A burdensome secret arises, on the other hand, when you are left completely alone with questions, uncertainties or conflicts because you believe that you are not allowed to speak to anyone about them. In the long run, that is not good, either for you or for your relationship.

04 · Relationships & Sexuality

Where you can get support

If your partner’s fetish is on your mind, you may talk about it. It only matters with whom and how. A few options:

• With him himself. This is the first and most important place for your questions and feelings.
• With a counselling service or a professional. There, you can speak openly without information reaching your social circle.
• With a single trusted person. If you need someone who knows you, a close female friend can be the right person. Talk to your partner about it first, if possible, and explicitly ask your friend to keep it confidential.
• Anonymously online. In forums, you can exchange experiences without disclosing names or identifiable details.

05 · Relationships & Sexuality

What you should not do

A fetish is not material for anecdotes at dinner, not a punchline among female friends and not leverage in an argument. Anyone who exposes their partner’s preference to others hurts him at a very sensitive point. Even well-meant hints can cause great harm if they are made at the wrong moment.

This also applies after a separation. What he confided in you in a trusting relationship remains his private matter.

06 · Relationships & Sexuality

If he wants to be open about it

There are also couples who consciously choose openness. I myself went public with my shoe fetish in my thirties, with photo series, magazine reports and appearances on talk shows. My wife and I later produced many photos and videos together on this subject and today share our experiences with others. That was our own decision.

If your partner wants to be more open about it than you would like, that also concerns you. You should then clarify together what is okay for both of you. His openness must not pull you into the spotlight without asking, just as your discretion must not oblige him to remain silent.

07 · Relationships & Sexuality

A boundary that applies to both of you

Discretion has a limit. If you get the impression that his behaviour puts other people at risk, for example because he violates other people’s boundaries, then no duty of confidentiality protects you. You may and should seek advice, if necessary from a specialist service. That is not betrayal, but responsibility.

08 · Relationships & Sexuality

What remains

Your partner’s foot fetish is his story, and it is his decision to tell it. Your feelings about it, however, are your own. You may voice them, seek advice and look for support. With a little prudence, both can be reconciled: his protection and your right not to be alone.