What can I do if I feel self-conscious about my feet and my partner has a foot fetish?

01 · Relationships and Sexuality

Introduction

Your feet do not have to live up to any ideal. In my experience, what arouses him about your feet above all is that they are yours. Your insecurity is justified nonetheless, and it deserves an open conversation. I am therefore writing this article, exceptionally, for you as the female partner.

02 · Relationships and Sexuality

Why feet, of all things, are so sensitive

Many women view their own bodies much more critically than men view theirs, and feet are often among the parts they are especially unhappy with. Too big, too small, too wide, too bony, or simply not beautiful. When this particular part suddenly becomes the focus of erotic attention, insecurity is a completely normal reaction.

Instead of feeling desired, it is easy to feel watched and judged. The fetish then seems more like an additional demand. As though you now also had to function as a foot model.

03 · Relationships and Sexuality

What he sees when he looks at you

From more than forty years with my own fetish, I can tell you something that surprises many women. The foot or the shoe is almost always only the trigger. The actual arousal arises in a fantasy, and in this fantasy, at best, the woman he loves plays the leading role.

I have personally experienced how powerful this can be. During a video shoot, a woman wore riding boots that did not correspond to my fetish at all. Yet she appeared so self-confident and present that those very boots suddenly aroused me intensely. It was not the shoe that made the difference, but the woman who wore it and her bearing. That is why, in my book, I advise men to say exactly this: It is not feet in general that arouse them, but their partner's feet. That is exactly how it is with your feet. For him, they are connected with you, with your voice, your laughter, your manner.

04 · Relationships and Sexuality

If he has preferences you cannot fulfil

Some men have very specific ideas, for example about a certain foot size or shape. I therefore expressly advise a man with a fetish to keep such details to himself if his partner cannot fulfil them. You cannot change your shoe size, and it would only make you feel that you are not enough.

If he compares you nevertheless, for example with the feet of a female friend or a celebrity, you may tell him that this hurts you. Such comparisons are a no-go in a relationship. In this case, your insecurity is a justified reaction.

05 · Relationships and Sexuality

You do not have to optimise anything

Pedicure, nail polish, particular shoes: all of this can be a lovely game between you if you enjoy it. But it is not an obligation. Being open to his fetish is an invitation, not a commitment. You may take part, you may choose, and you may say no. It is also entirely legitimate to accept his fetish without actively taking part in it yourself. This too is a way of integrating it into your relationship.

Women react very differently to foot fetishes. Some come to experience the attention as a compliment after a while, others prefer to keep their distance, and still others discover an entirely personal pleasure in the effect they have on their partner. None of these reactions is wrong.

06 · Relationships and Sexuality

How you can talk about it

Insecurity usually becomes smaller as soon as it is expressed. He can only take it seriously if he knows about it. A few questions can help:

In his answers, pay less attention to individual words than to whether you feel he means you. A partner who loves you will want to help you feel more secure, and will not insist that you adapt yourself to an ideal.

• What exactly do you like about my feet?
• Is there something you would like from me, and which part of it is truly important to you?
• How can I tell you when something makes me uncomfortable?
• What do I need from you in order to feel comfortable with it?

07 · Relationships and Sexuality

What I would like to leave you with

The question of whether your appearance now becomes the yardstick for whether you are desirable is understandable. My honest answer is: With a man who loves you, it is the other way round. You make the feet desirable; the feet do not make you desirable.