How Do I Bring Up a Shoe Fetish in a Relationship?

01 · Relationships and Sexuality

Introduction

Having a shoe fetish gives you an advantage: shoes are a comparatively easy starting point. They are fashion, everyday life and an expression of style, and you can talk about them without having to talk about sexuality straight away. The only important thing is that you proceed without pressure, put her at the centre, and leave her free to decide for herself how far she would like to go along.

02 · Relationships and Sexuality

Shoes Open Doors

Unlike with many other preferences, with a shoe fetish you do not have to start with the most intimate thing. A compliment about her shoes, a shopping trip together, asking which shoes make her feel particularly good: all of these are conversations that arise quite naturally in everyday life. They give you the opportunity to get a sense of how she thinks about shoes before you talk about your fantasies.

In my marriage, it was particularly easy. My wife used to work as a model and has a great passion for high heels herself. On the very first evening after we met, we discovered this shared enthusiasm, and that same evening I told her in detail on the phone about my shoe fetish. Not every relationship starts with such a stroke of luck. But almost every woman has a relationship with shoes that you can build on.

03 · Relationships and Sexuality

Her Taste Matters

One point is often overlooked. For many women, shoes are a part of their identity. They express style, mood and self-image. Anyone who wants to force shoes on their partner that she finds ugly or feels uncomfortable in hurts exactly that.

So it is better to ask which shoes she likes than to tell her which ones she should wear. And do not forget her body. A high heel may look exciting, but it can hurt after an hour. Her well-being takes precedence over your fantasy.

04 · Relationships and Sexuality

She Needs to Be the One You Mean

When you tell her about your fetish, always relate it to her. Tell her that seeing her in certain shoes took your breath away. Do not say that her best friend's sneakers turn you on, and do not use a celebrity as an example either. Comparisons like these put her under pressure to have to compete with others, and in my experience that always goes wrong.

Behind many insecurities is a question that female partners ask themselves sooner or later: Is it really the shoe that turns you on, or me? In my experience, the honest answer is: both, together. The shoe has its effect because she is wearing it. She is entitled to know exactly that.

05 · Relationships and Sexuality

Do Not Expect Her to Feel the Same Way You Do

In my experience, very few women have a sexual shoe fetish themselves. Many do say that they have a “shoe fetish,” but by that they mean the pleasure they take in buying and collecting. Most of the time, it has nothing to do with arousal. So you should not expect her to share what you feel. It is entirely enough if she is curious and enjoys the shared play.

06 · Relationships and Sexuality

Start Small

You do not have to act out every fantasy right away. Often a small, symbolic gesture is much more effective: a particular pair of shoes for a special occasion, the high heels that she wears one evening at home, a photo that is just for the two of you. Photos are only taken if she wants them, and she also has a say in what happens to them. Moments like these leave room without overwhelming.

Pay attention to how she reacts, and do not move faster than she can keep up. Openness is an invitation, not an obligation. If she hesitates, that is not yet a no; and if she says no, that also stands.

07 · Relationships and Sexuality

And What About Her Wishes?

A relationship only works in the long term when both people have room. I call this the 50/50 rule. If you would like her to engage with your shoe fetish, you should be just as open to her fantasies. Whether that brings you together for an evening or whether you take turns is up to the two of you.

08 · Relationships and Sexuality

Without Shame

I know well the shame that many men feel when they bring up their fetish. It becomes smaller when you make it clear to her that you are not confessing something to her, but telling her something about yourself. A shoe fetish is not a disorder, but part of your sexuality. Speaking about it calmly and without justification makes it easier for her to respond calmly as well. And when she asks questions that unsettle you, answer them honestly. Questions show that she is engaging with you seriously.