How can I talk about a shoe fetish when I am ashamed of my choice of shoes or my taste?

01 · Relationships and Sexuality

Introduction

By describing your taste for what it is: personal, changeable, and not a yardstick for others. Many people with a shoe fetish are ashamed not only of the fetish itself but also of the kind of shoes that arouse them, because they seem too gaudy, too cheap, too extreme, or simply “inappropriate” to them. Conversely, some female partners are ashamed because their own shoes do not seem to match what arouses him. In both cases, the following applies: taste is not a judgement on a person.

02 · Relationships and Sexuality

Why taste in particular can cause shame

Shoes are more than utilitarian objects. They are seen as an expression of style, status, and personality. Those who find certain shoes arousing, which are socially considered “cheap”, “over-the-top”, or “not elegant”, quickly feel exposed twice: once because of the fetish and once because of their taste.

In addition, preferences within shoe fetishism vary greatly. Some are aroused by high heels, others by boots, ballet flats, or trainers. For some, the material is decisive; for others, the design or condition. There is no hierarchy as to which taste is the “better” fetish.

03 · Relationships and Sexuality

My own taste has changed greatly

In my early twenties, I was aroused by simple, inexpensive high heels, the kind you could get in any shoe shop for little money at the time. Later, I became a fashion photographer and worked with shoes by major designers. Little by little, cheap shoes lost their appeal, and today it is mainly high-quality designer shoes that arouse me.

I am not telling this because one taste would be better than another. I am telling it because it shows how strongly taste is shaped by experience and environment. What arouses you today says nothing about your worth and nothing about your refinement. And it can change.

04 · Relationships and Sexuality

When you have the fetish

If you are ashamed of the kind of shoes that appeal to you, it can help to start with their effect rather than the object when talking to your female partner. Rather than “I am into these bright-red patent-leather pumps”, say “I am fascinated by the way a woman walks in high-heeled shoes and by how confident she appears while doing so”. The shoe is usually only the trigger. The actual arousal arises in the story that unfolds in the mind around it.

And if it is about a very specific shoe, you may say that without justification too. A sentence such as “I know it is not to everyone’s taste, but these shoes arouse me” takes the weight out of the subject.

05 · Relationships and Sexuality

When you are ashamed of your shoes as a female partner

Perhaps you prefer flat, comfortable shoes, and he raves about high heels. Perhaps your style does not fit at all with what appeals to him. This can create the feeling of not being enough. Here, one thought helps: shoes are a part of your identity. They express who you are and how you feel comfortable. Your style is not negotiable simply because he has a fetish.

If you choose a pair of shoes together that you both like, that can be a lovely game. But only if it comes from you. Openness to his fetish is an invitation, not an obligation.

06 · Relationships and Sexuality

How to keep clothing free of judgement

A few principles help to ensure that shoes and clothing do not become a point of conflict:

• No comments about each other’s style in everyday life. What someone wears to the office or when shopping is their business.
• Wishes rather than criticism. “I would like it if you …” instead of “You always wear such boring shoes.”
• No comparisons. Neither with other women nor with images online.
• Take both tastes seriously. Her style and his fetish are both legitimate.

07 · Relationships and Sexuality

What remains

Taste is personal, and it changes. Those who are ashamed of their taste often adopt other people’s judgements. You are allowed to like what arouses you, and your female partner is allowed to wear what she likes. There is more room between the two than shame would have you believe.