What do I do if my foot fetish strongly influences my choice of partner?

01 · Fetish & relationships

Introduction

Then it is worth keeping two questions separate: What do I need sexually, and what do I need in a relationship? It is legitimate for sexual compatibility to matter to you. But if you choose female partners almost exclusively based on their feet or shoes, you can easily overlook people with whom you could be happy. And you risk a partner feeling reduced to a body part.

02 · Fetish & relationships

Why the fetish is so prominent in choosing

A fetish reliably triggers arousal. That is precisely why it can easily become the focal point, including when it comes to whom one finds attractive. In my book, I describe this as an error in thinking: one assigns the fetish more importance than it actually deserves, and everything else appears secondary.

This is especially powerful when getting to know someone. In photos, profiles, and at a first meeting, the eye quickly goes to what is immediately arousing. Love, humour, shared values, or the way someone speaks to you only become apparent later.

03 · Fetish & relationships

Desire and love follow different rules

In my book, I describe sexuality using the image of the Libidose, a kind of container in which everything that arouses a person collects. Love, affection, and inner values are not automatically contained within it. They are indispensable for a relationship, but they work differently from arousal.

This means that what appeals to your fetish says little about whether someone is a good fit for you. Conversely, someone who does not match your fetish ideal may be exactly the person with whom you will be happy.

04 · Fetish & relationships

Sexual compatibility may matter

This does not mean that sexuality should play no role in choosing a partner. It is an important part of a relationship. It is simply one of many parts. Love, shared interests, shared goals, and the way you treat each other are at least as decisive in whether a relationship lasts.

My wife and I also matched when it came to the fetish. On our very first evening, we discovered our shared enthusiasm for high heels. That was fortunate, and it made many things easier. But our relationship has been sustained over all these years by more than that.

Research offers an interesting indication in this regard. In studies by Giselle Rees and Justin Garcia, the majority of people with an object fetish reported being sexually aroused and active even without their fetish object. The participants had volunteered themselves, so the findings cannot be generalised. Still, this suggests that fulfilling sexuality does not have to depend on a female partner meeting every detail of your fetish.

05 · Fetish & relationships

When it becomes problematic

It is worth taking a closer look if any of these points applies to you:

• You immediately rule people out if their feet do not match your ideal, even when everything else fits.
• You feel dissatisfied in relationships as soon as the initial appeal has faded.
• Your female partners have already told you that they feel reduced to their feet.
• You feel that you cannot choose any differently.

06 · Fetish & relationships

What you can do

• See the fetish as a part, not as a filter. When you meet someone, first ask yourself whether you like them, and only then how they fit your fetish.
• Get to know the whole person. Give encounters time before you decide.
• Openness instead of selection. Rather than looking only for women who match your ideal, speak openly about your fetish early on. Curiosity and enjoyment of shared play are often more important than the perfect foot shape.
• Put less emphasis on details no one can change. No one can influence a shoe size or the shape of their toes. Anyone who makes a relationship depend on that may search forever.

07 · Fetish & relationships

When it constrains you

If you notice that your fetish determines your choice of partner so strongly that you suffer because of it or experience the same disappointments again and again, talking to a professional can help. In sex therapy or psychotherapy, it is possible to find out what patterns guide you and what you actually want from a relationship.

08 · Fetish & relationships

What remains

Your fetish may have a say in choosing a partner. But it should not decide on its own. A person who loves you and is curious about your sexuality can give you more in the long term than a perfect match in every detail.